please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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