I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
