so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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