So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Randomize
