How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
