Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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