I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
