He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
