I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
