i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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