You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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