I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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