when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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