I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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