You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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