my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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