Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
