just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
