Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.