It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far