I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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