I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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