she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
