I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
