This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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