final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
