I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
