Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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