how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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