Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
