I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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