my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
