I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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