Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
