my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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