i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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