He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
