if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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