Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
