i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
