He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
