but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
