She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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