I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
