but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
