she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
