I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
