How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
