my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
