Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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