Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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