Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Acid is not a monday night drug
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
