wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
