I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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