i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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