we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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